i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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