He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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