tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
