this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
And then he peed in my hair
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