i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
