I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
