Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
