Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Randomize
