the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Semen is not good for contacts.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
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I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
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