I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
