wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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