I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize