i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
