Your dad touched me again.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
