I'm going to jail i love you
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
