Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
