I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
