Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
