did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
