i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
