Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
