i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize