Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
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so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
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We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.