The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?