Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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