i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
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Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
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They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.