Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
