college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You are the jesus of drinking
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize