Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Randomize
Follow @tfln