I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
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Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
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she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.