When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
