If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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