rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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