Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
