Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
