When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
