I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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