i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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