I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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