the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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