I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
