i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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