took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
