Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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