You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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