I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
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I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
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Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I supernannyed him into submission
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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