i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
