You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
