Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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