That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
