I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
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Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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