Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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