i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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