WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
