You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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