Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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