We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
