Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
