He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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