just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Randomize
