It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
