I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
