I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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