:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
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He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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