You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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