She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
